Whether you are sending that first message on Bumble, or trying to come up with a witty opening line on Instagram, there are a few things to keep on mind when it comes to the world of online dating.
This is NOT an article to demonise online dating. It can be a great way to meet people you wouldn’t come across in your day-to-day life. But as with anything else online, we need to make sure we are safe and mindful.
Please note that for all dating apps, you need to be 18+ in order to create a profile and use dating apps.
Swiping right on respect:
We should always remember that the online world is an extension of the real world. It can be easy behind the screen to send messages that we would never say to someone’s face.
Regardless of what kind of relationship you are hoping to find through online dating, we want to be respected, and be respectful ourselves. Whilst you might be tempted to brush off that kind-of rude message they sent, take a moment to think: how would I feel if they said this to my face?
Many apps and platforms also come with a reporting tool. If someone has sent any kind of message or photo that is disrespectful or rude, you will be able to click on the profile and report them.
Trust your gut
Never underestimate your intuition. Your gut instinct will often pick up when something isn’t quite right.
You might match with someone who asks you a million questions about yourself, but keeps on avoiding any question you ask them back. Maybe they’re telling you they’ve never felt a connection like this before – but you haven’t even been on a first date yet.
If it feels off, listen.
Even if you have agreed to going on a date with this person, if something feels wrong and you’re worried about meeting them, don’t push yourself to do so.
Caution and catfishes
There is no magical number or timeframe on how long you should wait between meeting someone online and seeing them in person – but we would always suggest taking your time. Before meeting in person, it would be wise to take time to get to know who they are, and the things you have in common. Are you both on the same page of what you are hoping to find on the apps? Do you hold the same beliefs on matters that are important to you?
Whilst you’re checking out their personality, you also want to check they are who they say you are. There are a few ways you can do this:
- Check if their profile is verified – This means they had to take a photo or video of themselves on the app to make sure it lines up with the photos on their profile. A verified profile will usually have a tick next to their name.
- Social media – If you feel comfortable to, exchanging social media accounts (like Instagram) can be another way to check to see if someone is who they say they are. Signs to be cautious of include: no tagged photos, only having the same photos on there that they use on the app, very few followers, or they’re a new account
- Google reverse – are their photos too good to be true? You can take a screenshot and use Google reverse to see if an image is used elsewhere. If the same image appears with someone else’s name, chances are they’re a catfish
- Video calls – with the rise of AI, it can be easier than ever to modify or change your appearance completely. Having a video call before meeting in person not only allows you to confirm they match their profile photos, but can be a good way to see if you get along before committing to an in person meet.
That first meet
Meeting someone new for the first time can be so exciting, but at the same time, so nerve-wracking. No matter how you’re feeling, it’s important to choose a location and time for the date that keeps you safe – but allows you to enjoy your time together.
First things first, always meet in a public place, and in a place you know. Even if you are both only meeting to hook-up, you still want to make sure you feel safe and comfortable around them. You can keep this simple with a drink in Costa, a bite to eat at McDonalds, or a small activity like minigolf. If it’s awkward, the vibe is off, or you’re simply just not enjoying your time, it’s easy to leave. Equally, if it is going well, you can extend the date and do something afterwards.
It might seem sweet for your date to offer to pick you up, but we would always encourage you to make sure you have your own transport to get there and back without their help. By picking you up, not only will they know your address, but you’re now in a closed environment with someone you’ve never met. If you’ve declined a lift from them, and they seem pushy or overly upset, this may be a sign they aren’t a respectful person, and that it would be best not to meet with them.
It’s also good practice to let a trusted friend or family member know who you’re meeting and where. You don’t need to send screenshots of all your messages, but share a photo of the persons profile and a plan of where you’re meeting.
It would also be a good idea to keep your friend updated during the date, e.g. “It’s going really well! We’re going to play mini golf once we’ve finished our drinks.” Or, if you are worried about getting distracted and forgetting to text, sharing your location.
Additionally, you could come up with a safe word or phrase if you are worried your date might see the messages. Your friend could message “Popping to Tesco, do you still need (insert food item)?” with you responding “no thanks” if the date is going well, or “yes please” if you are feeling uncomfortable and need your friend to take action.
The bottom line
Dating can bring about a whole host of emotions, but it’s important to check in with yourself and listen to them.
Need support or advice?
Essex Sexual Health Service is free, confidential, and judgement-free. If you have questions about your sexual wellbeing or relationships, support is available
