You care about your partner. The relationship works in lots of ways.
But sexually? You’re not on the same page.
Maybe one of you has a higher sex drive.
Maybe one of you wants to try things the other doesn’t.
Maybe your interests just don’t quite match.
This is incredibly common and it doesn’t automatically mean the relationship is failing.
Different Doesn’t Mean Wrong
Sex drive varies between people and changes over time. Stress, hormones, medication, mental health, and life stage can all affect desire.
It’s also normal for partners to have different preferences or kinks. There’s no “correct” level of desire.
The key question isn’t who is right, it’s how you handle the difference.
Consent Comes First
No one owes anyone sex, even in a long-term relationship.
At the same time, wanting more sex doesn’t make someone selfish.
Healthy intimacy is built on:
- Enthusiastic consent
- Open communication
- No pressure or shame
If either person feels obligated or guilty, resentment can build quickly.
Start With an Honest Conversation
It doesn’t need to be dramatic, just honest.
Try talking about:
- How often you’d ideally like sex
- What makes you feel connected
- Any boundaries or things you’re not comfortable with
- Whether stress or other factors might be affecting desire
Use “I” statements rather than blame. For example:
- “I’ve been feeling a bit disconnected lately.”
- “Can we talk about how we’re both feeling sexually?”
Often, mismatched desire is linked to emotional closeness, stress, or communication, not just sex itself.
When It’s About Kinks or Preferences
If one partner is interested in something the other isn’t, you can listen without agreeing.
Compromise should never mean crossing your boundaries.
Healthy compromise might mean:
- Finding middle ground
- Keeping some fantasies as fantasy
- Exploring other ways to feel connected
Unhealthy compromise means feeling pressured or uncomfortable.
Your boundaries matter.
When It Feels Bigger
Sometimes sexual needs are too different to ignore long-term.
It’s okay to ask yourself:
- Do I feel respected?
- Can I be happy with this dynamic?
- Are we both willing to communicate and adjust?
There isn’t one “right” outcome. What matters is honesty and mutual respect.
The Bottom Line
Loving someone doesn’t guarantee sexual compatibility.
Mismatched libidos and preferences are common, but healthy relationships require communication, consent, and respect.
If you’re struggling, support is available. Sex and intimacy are part of overall wellbeing, and it’s okay to talk about them.
Need advice?
Essex Sexual Health Service offers confidential support and can signpost to relationship and sexual wellbeing services if needed. Although we do not offer vulva or psychosexual service, we can rule out infections and offer advice on what to do next.
