Short answer: No.
Sex should not be something you “just tolerate.” Pain during sex is common, but it is not something you should ignore or push through.
If sex hurts, your body is telling you something. And that deserves attention, not shame.
First: You’re Not Overreacting
Pain during sex can happen for lots of reasons. It doesn’t mean you’re “bad at sex,” “too tense,” or “just need to relax.”
Common causes include:
- Not enough arousal or lubrication
- Anxiety or fear around sex
- Infections (including STIs)
- Thrush or bacterial vaginosis
- Skin conditions
- Hormonal changes
- Conditions like vaginismus
You are not dramatic for wanting sex to feel comfortable.
What Is Vaginismus?
Vaginismus is when the muscles around the vagina tighten involuntarily, making penetration painful or impossible.
It’s not something you’re choosing to do. It’s a physical response, often linked to anxiety, past experiences, or fear of pain.
The good news? It’s treatable. Support, pelvic floor therapy, gradual exercises, and counselling can all help.
You don’t have to “force” your body to get used to it.
Could It Be an Infection?
Pain during sex can sometimes be linked to:
- STIs
- Thrush
- Pelvic inflammatory disease
- Other vaginal infections
If you also notice unusual discharge, bleeding after sex, lower abdominal pain, or burning when you pee, it’s important to get checked.
STIs don’t always cause obvious symptoms and getting tested is simple and confidential. Get a free STI test kit here.
Pushing Through Can Make It Worse
Trying to endure painful sex can:
- Increase anxiety
- Make muscles tighten more
- Create negative associations with intimacy
- Cause small tears or irritation
Over time, this can make pain more likely, not less.
Sex should feel safe and consensual. If it hurts, stopping is completely valid.
What Can Help?
Depending on the cause, support might include:
- Taking more time for arousal
- Using water-based lubricant
- STI testing and treatment
- Treating thrush or other infections
- Pelvic floor support
- Talking therapies if anxiety is involved
- Checking if you have an allergy to condoms with latex
You deserve proper assessment, not guesswork.
When to Seek Help
It’s a good idea to speak to a professional if:
- Pain happens regularly
- Penetration feels impossible
- You feel anxious about sex because of pain
- You have other symptoms alongside discomfort
You won’t be judged. This is something we talk about every day.
The Bottom Line
Sex should not hurt and you should never feel pressured to push through pain.
Pain during sex is common, treatable, and nothing to be ashamed of.
If something doesn’t feel right, trust your body.
Need support?
Essex Sexual Health Service offers free, confidential STI testing, advice, and assessment for sexual health concerns. Although we do not offer vulva or psychosexual service, we can rule out infections and offer advice on what to do next.
If sex is painful, we’re here to help you figure out why and what to do next.
